There’s something so magical held within the promise of a new beginning. Fresh starts, blank slates. I love them. Pregnant with hope and with trepidation, all interwoven and impossible to separate. I cannot seem to hold one without the other.
In December of 2016 I wrote this post and, in closing, wished for 2017 to change everything. In all honesty, I didn’t write that wish for me. Not really. Not intentionally. It was meant to be a generalized hope of the inspirational sort, and I had no idea how overpaid on that wish I would soon become. The universe was chuckling gently at me, I am sure, knowing what was coming just around the bend. If I thought I wanted everything to change, I meant I wanted it to change in an easy and soft way.
2017 was a complete breaking. It was more painful for me to survive that year than it was for me to get sober. I dealt with 2017 on my hands and knees, minute by minute and cursing it along the way. I did a lot of yelling at my God and begging and pleading to my God. I learned that “What the fuck?” and “Help me” are perfectly acceptable forms of prayer. Much of the time, those were the only two prayers I could muster. The pain of that year was different than the pain I had experienced from the wreckage of my drinking. Somehow it was uglier and darker and more excruciating. I didn’t know that something could hurt worse than getting sober, but this did. I felt in a lot of those moments that the feelings and the fear would kill me. Somehow, I carried on. Sometimes I carried on with valor and hope, and sometimes I carried on by weeping in the fetal position. It all felt the same. Healing is rarely pretty.
The only way out is through.
2017 kept me on my knees and then 2018 gave me wings. It’s been quite the year, this 2018. I hit significant milestones that I thought I perhaps never would. It’s the most financially abundant year I have ever had, by miles and miles. I am thriving in my new role at my new job, and next year I will be travelling to Maui as part of an all-expenses-paid awards trip for hitting my annual goal. I am surrounded by colleagues who I admire, and trust, and who inspire me on a daily basis. I didn’t know it could get this good, at work or in life. I really didn’t.
This year has been about leaning in and seeing my life turn in to something more beautiful than I could have possibly designed on my own. This year has been about aligning myself with true joy and a sense of belonging to myself and to nobody else. This year I’ve come even more into myself. I don’t know exactly when or how that happened. It just did. I’m so grateful for where I stand, in this very moment. In this moment nothing and everything is perfect all at once. It’s overwhelming and confusing and magical.
It’s been my experience that magic usually happens without pretense and without expectation. All of a sudden you’re sitting smack dab in the middle of a miracle, and that miracle is you and your life.
I am brave and I am afraid. I am proud of this. I am proud of my ability to carry on despite the fear. I am proud that I am able to admit that I have fear. It’s important for me to be truthful about the fear because it’s important for me to be truthful in every area of my life. I am proud that I can be vulnerable enough to share that fear is a fairly constant companion. My faith is far greater than my fear. Faith gives me the courage I need to do the thing needing to be done. This courage makes me brave enough to walk through anything.
2018 has given me blessings and it has given me windfalls. “What the fuck?” and “Help me” were still my most used forms of prayer. 2018 has gotten me closer to myself and has set me up for where I need to go next. New year, new opportunities. Still filled with hope and trepidation. So in 2019 I hope everything for you that I hope for me.
I hope that you realize your inherent power. This power is incredible, unstoppable, and unique to your own magnificent soul signature. This power manifests through your body, your words, your actions, and your intentions. Choose them all with great care.
I hope that you receive everything that your Higher Self is calling for in order for you to become the you that you are meant to be. Remember that blessings and miracles often come disguised as challenges, grief, discomfort, and confusion. If life is obliterating you, I hope that you realize that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and to just keep going, no matter what. You’re never alone.
Speaking of discomfort, I hope that you learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. This is will be a constant area for growth. I know it sounds like an impossible request. We must be brave and we must try.
I hope you are gifted with a tribe who supports you and mentors you along your own hero’s journey. I hope that you in turn give away everything that has been given to you, and be the person that you at one time needed. I hope that you give this to whoever is in front of you- not who you feel deserves it most, or treats you the best, or hurts you the least. If you are looking for someone to love, love the person in front of you. Whoever it is. Trust this.
Speaking of trust, I hope that you trust everything. This is my greatest endeavor and also one of my greatest sources of frustration. I hope that you trust yourself deeply and appreciatively. I hope you trust in something greater than yourself. I hope you trust that the universe is always conspiring to bless you. I hope you trust that if you seek, you shall find. I hope you trust that magic is happening, even when you can’t see it or feel it.
I hope that you see that life is a messy and wild and unruly thing, and that because of this it is simply perfect.
I hope that you realize that love is the only answer. I hope you commit to give yourself the love that you need, whether that’s the you right now or the you at twenty six or the you at sixteen or the you at six. We are all screaming to be loved better and harder. I hope that you accept people for who they are and where they are at, and that you love them because of this and despite this. Everyone needs and deserves unconditional love, and you have the power to give it. Remember that inherent power we talked about earlier? This is its best use. I hope you answer this call. I promise I’ll be over here trying my best. I hope you try your best too. Remember, we are all in this together.
Above all, I hope that 2019 gifts you with a miracle of the spectacular variety. The best is yet to come.