Here I come to you from the year 2022. I’ve been MIA from this blog since its last post, In 2021 I hope, and quite a lot has happened over the last year plus some months. To start us off with an understatement.
I didn’t update you on my sobriety birthday, which I usually do, or even feel compelled to post when major goings-on were rocking my reality. A lot of life changes came and went, but I stayed silent on here. I wasn’t sure yet what to share. I wasn’t ready to share it all. I needed time to live in it all and experience the unfolding. Despite my silence, my first love remains the written word and I owe you all- my dear readers- a few very important updates.
Now, where do I begin?
In the last post I wrote that “in 2021 I hope that I am brave enough to really follow my heart, however that looks. I hope that I can become more me, to continue the unfolding and the blossoming that is my story.” I’ve done this before, written a hope for myself in these New Years letters that I had no possible idea of how remarkably it would come to fruition. I shouldn’t be flabbergasted, really, at how it came true. Still, I am.
I am absolutely, stupendously, completely, mind-bogglingly flabbergasted at how 2021 unfolded. Or perhaps awed is a better word.
As you can glean from the juicy headline, somehow, someway, in the very middle of a worldwide pandemic, I met someone. I’d never met this guy and I had absolutely no idea who he was or context as to what his life was like.
How do I find the words to describe how meeting this man has felt? How do I accurately tell you the story of how falling in love with the most amazing human I have ever known has impacted me? How do I communicate the beauty of it?
I don’t know that I will ever do well enough at it, but I will try.
Our relationship, and my partner, gives me the room to be who I truly am. He sees me, really sees me, and he celebrates the fuck out of me. A day doesn’t go by where he doesn’t tell me how beautiful I am or how much he loves me. I have felt free to reveal every part of myself to him, good and bad, and trust me when I say there’s some really un-pretty and skin squirming-ly uncomfortable parts to that. Before him I never had the opportunity to feel safe enough to fully open up to being seen, all of me, and he continues to love me during moments where I hate myself. He shows up for me, every single day. He is consistent and he is dedicated. He is gallant and he is witty. My partner is also sober, which takes us to even further depths of understanding and compassion for each other, both in context of our relationship and as individuals. He remembers the little things as well as the big things. He teaches me how to be a better partner through his simple demonstration of unwavering trust and dedication. He is soft in all the places where my edges are still sharp and he is sure where I sometimes falter. He is my biggest hype man and supporter. He celebrates my giant emotions and deep sensitivity He always reminds me to let my light shine as brightly as it possibly can.
The other day I got my Ohio drivers license and applied for local license plates. On the way home, I felt glad, and also like I might burst into tears. This move, and transition, has contained so many giant feelings for me. Feelings that demand to be felt. California was home for thirty-four years, and now I am making a new home in Cincinnati. Life is wild.
And if I’m being completely honest, which I always promise to be, there are a lot of moments that I feel absolutely fucking terrified that one day it’ll all disappear. Poof. Gone. There’s a fear for every miracle, a doubt for every blessing, a what if for every time I think this is everything I’ve prayed for.
It’s not like meeting the love of my life has been a cure for all my isms. My fear. My shortcomings. My shadow self. That’s my inner work, and there will always be more to be done. Meeting him has made life a whole lot sweeter, a lot bigger, a lot more complex, a lot deeper, and a lot more meaningful. That’s what true partnership does. It continues to amaze me that he does everything in his power to hold space for me and to show up for me. I’ve never known a man or a love like this.
When I was able to do the inner work to heal what was blocking me from a partner like him, everything changed. Doors opened. Magic happened. Destiny arrived.
And as they say, more will be revealed.