On healing

I remember being twenty-five, newly sober, and feeling like the scum of the earth. Everything felt impossibly hard and overwhelming. I remember being scared, so scared, that I had messed everything up beyond the possibility of repair. Everything was a hurdle. I couldn’t figure out how I had gotten to where I was, why everything […]

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Turkeys

Every time I push publish on a new post, I have a moment of feeling sick to my stomach. I feel panicky and trauma-y and question what in the actual f*ck I just did. Why do I make this choice? Why do I feel a call to share all of this? Why in God’s name […]

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In 2019 I hope

There’s something so magical held within the promise of a new beginning. Fresh starts, blank slates. I love them. Pregnant with hope and with trepidation, all interwoven and impossible to separate. I cannot seem to hold one without the other. In December of 2016 I wrote this post and, in closing, wished for 2017 to change […]

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In Response to Suicide Heartbreak

Twice in one week we see the headlines filled with the news of suicide. Twice in one week my heart fills with grief, deep understanding, and feelings of powerlessness for these souls who thought that leaving was their only solution to the pain. Kate Spade was one of my favorite designers. My family has a […]

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Anyways, Despite, and in the Name Of.

I watch people around me doing brave things, every single day. Women and men alike setting their junk aside to go out and own their destiny. I wish that they could see me cheering for them, these astoundingly brave people. I’m in their corner- believing in them, hoping for them, celebrating with them. Sometimes these […]

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On turning it all around

I started a new job last month. Let me preface this story with saying that I was happy, mostly very happy, in the job I was in. I had actually never been happier at work. The company was wonderful. The team was fantastic. I was a top performer and had just started to feel I […]

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the relentless pursuit of better

I had hoped that outing myself as a recovering alcoholic would open up the floodgates of my writing. I had envisioned really raw, insightful posts immediately after my last update, expounding on all of the lessons in wisdom I’ve been “holding back on” because you didn’t have the backdrop to a significant portion of my […]

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On Drinking Too Much

At twenty-five, I was working as a waitress and not using the fairly impressive-sounding degree I held from a fairly prestigious California university. From an outsider’s view, it didn’t make much sense. Why was she working in the restaurant industry and not using any of her potential? I frequently got asked by the customers I was […]

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This Is 30

It feels so good to finally be here. Anticipating thirty was about as enjoyable as going to the dentist for a cleaning. I hate the dentist and I hated working up to turning thirty. It made me queasy. It made me panic. It made me question what on Earth I have been doing my whole […]

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On Choices and Freedom

A little over two hundred days ago, I left the very secure and very predictable job I held at the company I had been with for nearly three years and took on a new role with a different organization. This new role, to all outward appearances, had the makings of a dream job. The company that […]

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